For the past three decades, I’ve been observing the way people behave in personal and business relationships, with the intent of finding the meaningful patterns of what works and doesn’t work to bring about positive change. Here are the top ten lessons I’ve learned about how to click with people.

#1 Make Useful Assumptions
Assumptions determine behavior. Behavior produces experiences. Experiences reinforce initial assumptions. Whatever you assume to be true, you act like it’s true and look for proof. This is the loop of self-fulfilling prophecy.

The challenge with assumptions is to make useful ones rather than limiting ones. A useful assumption gives you enough informed perspective on your own behavior and the behavior of others that you can engage in behaviors that lead to worthwhile outcomes. Limiting assumptions inhibit your creativity and resourcefulness, trigger negative reactions in you, and cause you to engage in behaviors that lead to limiting yet self-fulfilling outcomes. “I knew he wouldn’t listen.” “I knew she didn’t care.” Did you? Then you win the booby prize.

Now you may be thinking, “Yeah, but what if I AM right?” Well, what if? Does it help you or hinder you to be right? If you must assume something, assume something useful.

#2 Assume Positive Intent
I find it useful to assume that people do what they do for a good reason, even the most difficult behavior. Behavior changes as priorities change, so I’ve identified four positive intentions you can assign to people in almost any situation to good effect. They are: action, accuracy, approval and appreciation.

When action is your highest priority, your awareness of other people becomes peripheral, or limited to that which is necessary to accomplish your aim. If things are taking too long, you may become careless and aggressive, leaping before you look, and speaking without thinking first. Others perceive this as pushy behavior.

When accuracy is your highest priority, you will slow things down to see the details, and you may refuse to act due to doubt about the consequences. If you’re afraid of something going wrong, you will find fault and point out problems. Others may perceive this as ‘being negative.’

When gaining approval is your intent, you’ll put other’s needs above your own. If you’re concerned about disapproval, you may say yes when you mean no or maybe when a decision is called for. Others may perceive this as being unreliable.

When gaining recognition drives you, you need a higher level of assertiveness to be seen, heard, and recognized. If it seems you’re being ignored, you may act out, explode in anger, take credit where it isn’t due or misrepresent something so as not to appear undeserving. Others may perceive this as distracting and disruptive.

Each of these intents has a time and place in our lives. Recognize these intents in others and you can speak to their need, lower their stress and make them more receptive to your communication. Recognize your own intent and you can more easily ask for what you need from others. Balanced, you can reduce stress and improve communication.

#3 Know What You Want
The first question a doctor is taught to ask a patient is, “What is your chief complaint?” or “What’s wrong?” Everybody knows what they don’t want. Complaining is easy. The problem is that if all you know is what you don’t want, you will get more of it. The challenge in life, and in communication specifically, is to define a direction, and organize yourself around that outcome. You’ve heard the expression, “Begin with the end in mind.” Knowing your desired outcome is key to productive interactions.

#4 Meet People Where They Are
What is it about people that makes some so easy to relate to, and others so difficult to deal with? United We Stand, Divided We Can’t Stand Each other. Conflict occurs when the emphasis is on the differences between people. The difference between conflict with a friend and conflict with a difficult person is that with a friend the conflict is tempered by the common ground you share. People reduce differences naturally when they share a common vision, care about each other, or want to deepen a relationship. We do this with facial expressions, animation and body posture, with our voice volume and speed, and conceptually with our words. But as natural as it is with some, it may stop when you perceive someone or something as difficult. No one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them. People need to know “Are you with me or not?” Seek common ground.

#5 Listen To Go Deep
If you’re going to bother to listen to someone, then listen to go deep. There are at least four great reasons to do this. First, people want to be heard and understood. Second, people like to hear themselves talk. Even shy people, who may like it so much they save it for special occasions! Let them talk; you get some credit for their enjoyment. Third, people are drawn to people who listen. The most effective leaders, managers, parents and teachers are great listeners, and the result is they can respond to what’s going on sooner than those who weren’t listening. But the most compelling reason to listen well is that often, people don’t know what they’re talking about. This accounts for all the ironic and paradoxical communications that you hear. If they don’t know what they’re talking about, and neither do you, listening well gives both of you a chance to find out.